If Symptoms Persist by Theodore Dalrymple

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By Theodore Dalrymple

Theodore Dalrymple practises in 'a very distant nook' - 'somewhat missing in refined scientific amenities (other than myself, of course).'

"One day a guy got here to refer to me.
He was once tremendous huge – what failed dieters name 'big-boned' – and intensely fats. He misplaced no time in telling me he was once diabetic.
‘Do you smoke?’ I asked.

‘Like a chimney,’ he answered.

He used to be thoroughly unrepentant, so refreshingly varied from all these snivelling wheedlers with hangdog expressions who offer you a protracted tale approximately how they approximately gave up yet then their budgerigar died. I acquired the image straight away.

‘And in fact, you drink like a fish,’ I stated.

‘Like a fish,’ he spoke back.

‘Dieting is out of the question?’ I persisted, with mounting admiration.

‘Completely, i admire butter and cream, and meat with fats on it, and wealthy sauces.’

‘Well,’ I stated, ‘I’m certain you recognize the hazards larger than I, so I’m not likely to lecture you. but when you invite me to dinner, I shall come.’

That was once twelve years in the past. His spouse used to be, and is, an impressive cook.

I want i may say the tale had a contented finishing, yet honesty compels me to narrate that lately he had middle assaults that have laid him low. He can not often breathe, and now he wishes cardiac surgery."

Axe-wielding maniacs, 'arthuritis' victims and apple crumble-cooking rapists... they are all the following, besides pullulating graphomaniacs, avaricious legal professionals, empire-building bureaucrats and the terrible, huddled plenty of the slum close to Dalrymple's medical institution in inner-city Britain.

This is the earliest - and funniest - selection of his celebrated 'If signs Persist' items for The Spectator.
Also comprises essays from the stick to up booklet 'If indicators nonetheless
Persist.'

Praise for If indicators Persist:

'Compulsively Funny.' The Sunday Telegraph

'One of the definitive tracts for our time.' The day-by-day Telegraph

'Dalrymple's is the crystal voice of cause. What a clean voice this is!' Literary assessment

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Extra info for If Symptoms Persist

Sample text

My patient looked blissfully happy, and – radiating joy – came over to thank me for all I had done. ’ Vindicated Patients THERE IS ONLY one thing worse than treating working-class patients, and that is treating middle-class ones. The former are inarticulate and ill-informed, the latter articulate and ill-informed. The former read the Sunday Sport and believe there is an immortality clinic on the far side of the moon where Hitler is a patient; the latter read the Sunday Times and believe that eating pine-kernels wards off Huntington’s chorea.

Ascites and encephalopathy may develop. Jaundice has been reported after taking only three pills, one a day for three days. Quite nasty, really – just like the products of the pharmaceutical industry, in fact. If You Tickle Us Do We Not Laugh? EVERYONE KNOWS HOW important the medical profession is. ’? Unsurprisingly, then, many doctors conclude that they are personally very significant in the lives of their patients. Alas, they are wrong. I have a friend who devotes his whole life to his patients, who denies them nothing, who will go to almost any lengths to please them even at their most unreasonable.

An opiate analgesic, an addictive tranquilliser and an anti-depressant. ’ I asked. ‘Backache,’ he replied. ’ I said. He smiled at me, and I smiled back. Then we had a good chuckle together. I knew, he knew I knew, I knew he knew I knew, and he knew I knew he knew I knew. ” Drug addicts and desperate drunks, battered wives and suicidal burglars, elderly Alzheimer's sufferers and teenage stabbing victims all pass through Theodore Dalrymple’s surgery and he exposes, with humour and incite, the unseen horror of modern life as never before.

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